Saturday, January 21, 2012

A Personal Moment.

I've been using this blog as a place to put things that I like. Occasionally, that might include a little anecdote or account of a pleasing experience. My old blog ~ chapped lips and all ~ started the same way, and then ended up getting kind of cluttered and bogged down with too much cognitive myopia. And that's why I started a new, fresh, clean space, and I think it's been going well. I know I don't post as frequently as I used to, but I've grown okay with that. Having far fewer followers here has really helped to ease the pressure, which is kind of ironic, since the point of blogging is usually to put something out there for others to see.

Pinterest has become the place where my collection of things is now happening. It just makes more sense.

But that doesn't mean I'm abandoning this blog, or even changing its purpose. I'm learning now that my online life is fluid and constantly changing. The things I've collected here may seem frivolous, but in fact, I've put them here because they mean something to me. Sometimes I explain what they mean, and sometimes I don't. When I don't, it's because I'm trying to avoid clogging this space with transient thoughts and ephemeral emotions. There is a time and place for those things, and this isn't it.

Now that I've said that, I'm going to do ~ just for today ~ what I've said I don't wish to do. Yeah, I know.. how contrary of me.

If you happen to be reading this and you aren't interested in the personal moment I'm about to have, don't fret! Simply scroll to the bottom to find out about an amazing film I saw last night :)

Commence Personal Moment.

Like many people I know, I used to believe that there was a reason for everything. I didn't believe in any kind of specific deity, but I did sort of think that there must be some kind of spiritual connection between all living things. I definitely believed in the concept of a soul - not in a religious sense, but in an undefined collective energy kind of way. 

Lately, I've noticed I don't feel that way anymore... and the collapse of this belief has created a void inside me. Logic tells me that things don't happen for a reason... they just happen. Unfortunately, when things happen that make me sad, I can no longer try to comfort myself with the idea that there is a purpose for it. And that makes it harder to get through the sad things.

It makes it particularly difficult to navigate what is happening (or rather, not happening) in my life right now. I recently read a quote that made me... uncomfortable.

I used to LIVE this quote. Whenever I found myself in a displeasing situation or had a problem that needed solving, I did what I had to do to fix it. It was never easy, but I wasn't afraid. If I needed to change something, I did it. I took risks for love, for education, for experience, for work. I was first and foremost uncomfortable with the idea of settling for something that wasn't... well, perfect, to be honest. Not necessarily perfect in symmetry, but perfectly imperfect, if that makes any sense. 

I used to thrive on change, on the search for my place in the world and the puzzle pieces that comprise it: love, education, experience, and work. There are changes I am currently wanting - I won't list them all, but there is one in particular that is dragging me down... work. I went back to school with the goal of graduating into a full-time, paid writing or communications job. A career doing something I care about, something that will challenge me without destroying me. But now I'm back doing the same job I was doing before returning to school. There have been a number of job interviews, but no offers. Nothing has changed.

After reading that quote the other day, it dawned on me that maybe I'm being too passive. Sure I've applied for jobs and gone on interviews. But what have I really DONE to change things? My current situation isn't making me happy. I almost feel that in order to finally be offered a job, I need to make seemingly unrelated changes in order to allow the work piece of the puzzle to fall into place. I recently made a change to education, so it isn't that one. That leaves love and experience.

Of course, this goes back to the idea that all things are connected - in order to finally find work happiness, something has got to give somewhere else. But do I really believe that anymore? It's comforting to think that there is some order present in these things... one door closes, and another opens. But logic is telling me not to fall into that tantalizing trap. In which case, my best course of action is simply to keep waiting for change to occur, which seems counter-intuitive.

Anyway... I'm losing myself in this train of thought and it's time to stop. I needed to put it somewhere, and this seemed like a good place.

End Personal Moment.

Vincent Van Gogh is my all-time favourite artist. I know a lot of people say that rather flippantly, but in my case, it's true. Yes, I'm getting all hipster-y about it, haha. I don't love Vincent the way 16 year old girls love him. It's different. I've read a number of biographies about him, all trying to piece together his struggles, his joys, his lows and his highs. I'm enthralled with the letters he wrote to his brother Theo. I'm enamoured with the hypothesis that he was a synesthete who experienced the colour yellow in a way the majority of us do not.

Last night I saw a BBC film called Vincent Van Gogh: Painted With Words. It is a dramatization of the letters Vincent wrote to Theo, and to other people in his life, including fellow post-impressionist Paul Gaugin.

The actor playing the role of Vincent, Benedict Cumberbatch, is phenomenal. This is the best "autobiographical biography" I've seen to date. If you love Vincent the way I do, this is a must-see.

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